Lost

And when I saw you last, and kissed you, I turned within myself like a caged beast. I didn’t look behind so you won’t see the cold which filled my bones since the last kiss.

I knew you had a smile in one corner of your lips – stiletto sharp – to hide it in my blouse so it can gently pierce into my flesh as I leave.

I felt the beat of broken heart already, it slowed the fire in my step. But didn’t grasp the fury of the storm which nestled in my senses when I left.

You didn’t know you built yourself within me, flesh and soul from the very first time. That you bled Death’s own poison in my veins, when you sold me, like Judas, with a kiss.

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But now I know on

But now I know, though it’s too late, that I was just a dove above your shoulder. I ripped the white wings from my back and quietly placed them on a heartbeat that still remembered.

I don’t know if I chose you, or I was destined yours; but I know I was not made out of your rib like Eve of Adam’s; I couldn’t build myself in you as sin in a temptation. I wasn’t light within your temple, I had no altar in your flesh.

Perhaps you pulled me from a dream that wept unnoticed on your pillow, and I slipped gently to your lips so you could build me from a whisper; or carve me out of darkness as an eternal faith.

Your love, I don’t know what it was. But mine – a flood of buds; which crowded in my flesh to bloom my bones into a spring. And from the wounds of my ripped wings flew insects, discarding my body like a sinful angel.

In my mortal eyes you were god’s offspring. But in your scornful love was raging fire, born from the candles of a self, which took us both to hell… and heaven.

And everytime you held me I felt the wings between us, the rib I wasn’t made of piercing through my skin. My eyelids draped over my bare flesh, when we made love like beasts to hide our strangeness.

And silent like two stones, one burried in the other, we drank eternity with hollow mouths; but failed to find each other in the secrets of stolen moments of the past.

But now I know, though it’s too late, that the eternity you gave me was damnation. I ripped my angel wings each time your love dressed me in dreams of insects and bloomed me into spring.

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My love

I wonder, my love, if in your little bubble, the scent of my skin ever sneaks. If the eyes that muddled your words ever stare at you in the night. If you whisper my name in your sleep, and your lips tremble when you say it. Do you still hear my words in your ears, feel my fingers wraped around your curls, your head pulled back against my chest.

I wonder, my love, does the reflection haunt you at night? Our legs wrapped around each others burning bodies, your hands on my back and my neck taut, our lips open and silent, our eyes intoxicated with the years of agony.

I wonder, my love, do you still hear my laugh in the mornings, my contagious, room-filling giggle that made your eyes shine with such joy. Do you still feel the softness of my hair against your face, the pulse in my neck against yours.

Oh, my love; you left me naked in the harshest of winters. When I loved you freely and with no reserve; as if my heart had been virgin and whole. When I loved you madly, purely and carelessly… and you left.

Oh, my love, you left…

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There’s a beach near St Ives where we sat one clear night in September. You won’t remember it, but you were there, leaning on a rock too close to the waves and the water filled your trainers and I laughed, alone..

There’s a bar in Naples near the gulf, where we sat drinking Merlot one rainy afternoon. You won’t remember it, but you were there, the wine left crimson marks on the corners of your lips and I laughed, alone..

There’s a lake in Annecy where we hired a boat and wandered. You won’t remember it, but you were there, it started to rain and the water dripped from your curls and I laughed, alone..

I’m still chosing the place to let go of your ghost..

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Because I can’t hold on to the illusion. When I almost believe, when I can almost touch your face, you vanish and leave me like a held breath. And never do I feel colder, lonelier; never do I long for darkness more than when I wish I could stop fooling myself..

I grow and I laugh at myself, and then shrink back into this girl, too small for my shoes. You grab my hands and spin me around and I let my head fall back, and laugh like a maniac, drunk with your madness. I keep waiting for the day you’ll let go, when I spin so fast, and I fall and hit my skull against a stone and split it apart. Perhaps you’ll leave it then, my twisted mind. Perhaps you’ll set me free.

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Hands pressed against my lips, firmer, the breathless sound of your name echoes, echoes. One eye laughs, one weeps.

I crush the holy word with my teeth and it’s sour; both eyes weep.

.

I’d forgotten the taste I never knew. I’d forgotten it because I dug its hole with broken fingers. But the cracked earth sucked its sweetness and spat it out.

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Is it even real?

The stinging in your chest, the humming noise in your left ear, the tears pouring down unheeded. Your mind refuses to acknowledge the pain. Your reason has left; it watches from afar this desperate body, twitching, shaking and falling apart… It laughs even, at the lack of control, the pitiful madness that has finally broken through the concrete skin.

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