I’m sorry I never call..

You built swings, and crosses for dead bees..

You made paths through the meadows, found the way to the beach..

You sang, and told stories; knew the funniest jokes..

You made ponytails and wiped away tears.. kissed bruises better and warmed frozen feet..

And how you’d swing the scythe through the grasslands, and shadow the field like a god…


Then you died, again.

I buried you a thousand times.

I dug the graves with my fingers.


Remember when grandma used to say, that at the end there’s only sorrow to share,

when the gates are locked and the paint stripping off the walls…


But you joke; you tell those silly stories

and I can almost see you sitting on the steps..

Mute tears wiped swiftly with a trembling hand.

And you laugh, hopelessly clinging to the pretense,

desperate eyes searching for her;

the little girl in her silly dresses

the red bows you tied in her hair.


I see you walking to the old well

your eyes lost now, your heart numb

If only the fields could engulf you..

If only that bottle wasn’t quite so far..


You’re my home, dad..

I’m sorry I never call…


The words had dried on her tongue long ago. But she didn’t dare blow them away, and held on, a mouth full of sand choking her slowly. She carried the heavy bones that were once wings on her back and still searched for the lost lightness in her step.

The tears had dried too but the silent wails never stopped ringing in her ears. Her voice, almost forgotten, quietly hummed an old song in the distance. A ghost, she circled the grave full of all that she was and wished there was name on the headstone; for that, she couldn’t remember…


Perhaps it’s my turn to pray..

That one day there would be no Goodbyes.

That the sound of closing doors won’t leave lingering emptiness through the nights..

I blow out the candles and the flame in my heart. I welcome the darkness like an old friend yet hope that one day the fire won’t have to go out..

You walk in and the hour glass turns in my heart. The rage settles over my bones.. for the ticking hands of the clock and each second that takes you away, for the water waiting to wash away the smell of my skin from yours..

I squeeze your hands tighter and you slip through my fingers like sand. Your ‘I have to go’ rings in my ears like an air raid siren. I cover my eyes with trembling hands and shrink.. I dare not look again because I know you’ll be gone.

So I welcome the darkness again and pull the pieces of me back together. I lift up my chin like a big girl and walk, one foot in front of the other like my mother said, yet knowing that every step leads me back to you.


There’s a beach near St Ives where we sat one clear night in September. You won’t remember it, but you were there, leaning on a rock too close to the waves and the water filled your trainers and I laughed, alone..

There’s a bar in Naples near the gulf, where we sat drinking Merlot one rainy afternoon. You won’t remember it, but you were there, the wine left crimson marks on the corners of your lips and I laughed, alone..

There’s a lake in Annecy where we hired a boat and wandered. You won’t remember it, but you were there, it started to rain and the water dripped from your curls and I laughed, alone..

I’m still chosing the place to let go of your ghost..


Because I can’t hold on to the illusion. When I almost believe, when I can almost touch your face, you vanish and leave me like a held breath. And never do I feel colder, lonelier; never do I long for darkness more than when I wish I could stop fooling myself..

I grow and I laugh at myself, and then shrink back into this girl, too small for my shoes. You grab my hands and spin me around and I let my head fall back, and laugh like a maniac, drunk with your madness. I keep waiting for the day you’ll let go, when I spin so fast, and I fall and hit my skull against a stone and split it apart. Perhaps you’ll leave it then, my twisted mind. Perhaps you’ll set me free.


War dance

There’s no fight quite as fierce as the one with yourself. When the weapons keep changing and no one ever wins, or looses, or leaves.. the struggle is constant and painful and there’s no giving up.

Sometimes you think you can freeze, pretend that you’re dead and keep still; pretend that if you hide for a while, maybe you’re free. Maybe you could breath. Oh, you could finally breath.. But the air stops in your throat as you choke back into that cursed war you’ve been fighting for ever. No, no. no! There’s no breathing for you, girl; there’s no peace.

So come out of your hiding place or I’ll drag you. Come out an do what has to be done, even if your every limb is held down by a thousand stones. Heave, and push and cry if you must, but keep dancing that war dance you know so well. Keep fighting that battle that may never end until the stones win and you’re dragged down, and buried and lost…



Oh! If she could have it all again she could work harder, she could sleep less, or listen more;

Oh! If she could have it all again she would hold you! She would freeze time at the age when you still cried to be held, because the pain of hurting you is sharper than any blow she would happily take, if only to not see the sorrow in your eyes anymore..


I gave you all..

That night you were staring at me, remember? When I said I don’t care if you are somebody else’s, I am yours. You laughed and thought I was crazy. You always thought I was crazy, maybe that’s why you never stopped being so selfish, so blind.

You used to say I don’t deserve you, I don’t deserve all the love you’re giving me. I still don’t know what you meant but  I used to believe. And even though I gave it all to you, you kept looking for more even when there was nothing left but an empty shell. My everything was not enough, you wanted more and I was useless.

Now I laugh like a mad woman when I think about you. You had so little to give and you gave me nothing, yet never stopped asking for more.

I became dark and small and tired of my nothingness, when you grew strong and proud with all that I’d given you. And you kept asking, demanding, until I had nothing left but darkness.

And one day I pulled back pieces of myself and threw them into my empty shell. And left. And now I fight to arrange the random bits into a human form, and I struggle to make myself look like a living being again.

And yet I know you’ll come back and take it all apart once more, and I’ll stand and watch like I always do; smiling, laughing and enjoying the show by your side.