Because I can’t hold on to the illusion. When I almost believe, when I can almost touch your face, you vanish and leave me like a held breath. And never do I feel colder, lonelier; never do I long for darkness more than when I wish I could stop fooling myself..
I grow and I laugh at myself, and then shrink back into this girl, too small for my shoes. You grab my hands and spin me around and I let my head fall back, and laugh like a maniac, drunk with your madness. I keep waiting for the day you’ll let go, when I spin so fast, and I fall and hit my skull against a stone and split it apart. Perhaps you’ll leave it then, my twisted mind. Perhaps you’ll set me free.
Hands pressed against my lips, firmer, the breathless sound of your name echoes, echoes. One eye laughs, one weeps.
I crush the holy word with my teeth and it’s sour; both eyes weep.
I’d forgotten the taste I never knew. I’d forgotten it because I dug its hole with broken fingers. But the cracked earth sucked its sweetness and spat it out.
She laid her burning breasts on your frozen shoulder.. Tears rose like snowdrops from your pores, as she plucked them with twisted fingers.. Your skin wrapped around her touch and wings grew from beneath the layers of ancient ice..
Acceptance is like duct tape. Go round around and layer it up, make sure there’s no space for any YOU to come out. Be WHO you have to, do WHAT you must and keep all else tightly sealed so that it doesn’t escape to fight this pathetic self you’ve walked around in for so long.
No, no! Don’t take it off! it’s comfortable, it looks pretty, and you can’t remember what’s underneath. If there’s anything left, if there ever was…
The ragged truth cannot be worn outside, surely! You can only wear it in the darkest corners, in the most desperate hours. You can only show it to loneliness and to despair, not to the world. Don’t show it to the world…
That night you were staring at me, remember? When I said I don’t care if you are somebody else’s, I am yours. You laughed and thought I was crazy. You always thought I was crazy, maybe that’s why you never stopped being so selfish, so blind.
You used to say I don’t deserve you, I don’t deserve all the love you’re giving me. I still don’t know what you meant but I used to believe. And even though I gave it all to you, you kept looking for more even when there was nothing left but an empty shell. My everything was not enough, you wanted more and I was useless.
Now I laugh like a mad woman when I think about you. You had so little to give and you gave me nothing, yet never stopped asking for more.
I became dark and small and tired of my nothingness, when you grew strong and proud with all that I’d given you. And you kept asking, demanding, until I had nothing left but darkness.
And one day I pulled back pieces of myself and threw them into my empty shell. And left. And now I fight to arrange the random bits into a human form, and I struggle to make myself look like a living being again.
And yet I know you’ll come back and take it all apart once more, and I’ll stand and watch like I always do; smiling, laughing and enjoying the show by your side.
She smiled. Although it wasn’t quite her smile, but a shadow of a former emotion. The feeling wasn’t there anymore, only the pain of the emptiness in its place. He didn’t notice the difference. For him, a smile is a smile; and if you say you’re okay, then you’re okay: no further discussion required. The thought deepened her sadness.
‘I think we should go back home!’ He said firmly, and turned the key without waiting for her reply, so she didn’t bother to give one. ‘I’m really sorry if I hurt you..’ he repeated, placing his free hand on her thigh. If, she thought; If he hurt me she laughed to herself. There were so many words she wished she could say instead of sitting there mute, looking out the window. He can’t not see that I’m not okay, that this is not normal: him doing anything and me forgiving everything. ‘Should we get fish and chips?’ he asked, but didn’t seem to mind that she didn’t answer. ‘I’ll stop at the chippy near the park, they have the best haddock.’
They drove in silence the rest of the way, and stopped to get the food. She couldn’t get herself to eat any. Later, when she took her clothes off, she was more naked than ever before. He didn’t seem to notice any difference, and their encounter went on as it always did. After he finished, she locked herself in the bathroom and sat on the cold floor. The bright light made the bruise on her leg look worse, so she covered herself with a towel. She though she should cry, but there weren’t any tears, or any emotions. She stayed there until he started snoring loudly, then went outside to smoke. The cold wind made her naked body shiver, and she welcomed the pain of it. She sat on the wet grass, glad she could still feel something. She stayed until she couldn’t bare it anymore, then went inside and turned the shower on. A few minuted later he banged in the door. ‘What the fuck are you making all this noise for?’. She smiled.