Reflections

It was closure we sought all those years ago. We didn’t find it. Instead, we found a door and pushed it open, so widely – it may never close. But my body crushes against it every time the reflections cling to my eyelids.

I am not ungrateful, we did it! Against life and the world we made us happen. And god, how we happened. But now I grieve your absence like an orphaned child; as if I’d never known it, as if it had been us since time itself, and the clocks have just shattered.

It was your concern for my happiness that turned the blood cold in my wounds. (I didn’t miss the indifference, but chose to ignore it.) Perhaps I’m selfish that I want to cause yours when you wish mine, severed and away.

I’ve propped my eyes open with rods and every word I write breaks another bone. I’ll write them until I’m flesh and splinters, so that your fire turns me to ash as it dies; isn’t this the only way I can kill it?

But the reflections will remain, carved on the grave and no fire will fade them. They’ll haunt, and haunt until there’s nothing but madness. Perhaps in madness there’s freedom. Perhaps in madness I’ll escape…

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Because I can’t hold on to the illusion. When I almost believe, when I can almost touch your face, you vanish and leave me like a held breath. And never do I feel colder, lonelier; never do I long for darkness more than when I wish I could stop fooling myself..

I grow and I laugh at myself, and then shrink back into this girl, too small for my shoes. You grab my hands and spin me around and I let my head fall back, and laugh like a maniac, drunk with your madness. I keep waiting for the day you’ll let go, when I spin so fast, and I fall and hit my skull against a stone and split it apart. Perhaps you’ll leave it then, my twisted mind. Perhaps you’ll set me free.

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Hands pressed against my lips, firmer, the breathless sound of your name echoes, echoes. One eye laughs, one weeps.

I crush the holy word with my teeth and it’s sour; both eyes weep.

.

I’d forgotten the taste I never knew. I’d forgotten it because I dug its hole with broken fingers. But the cracked earth sucked its sweetness and spat it out.

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Perhaps another tomorrow, then, huh?

I come back with the tide, mud in my belly and bulging eyes.

You walk past and the blood shoots out of the rotting heart,

black blood; dragging my face through the drying sand

i catch up, and you gather my limbs and stick them back,

carry me gently to edge of the mud; pour me out.

.

This resurrection has turned obscene

Perhaps tomorrow the wave will forget

an eye, or perhaps my entire head.

Satanic Jesus, let me die!

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His desert

He spits; hatred and darkness and blood.

turning and leaping in a hellish dance

of sneers and renewed curses,

the thunderous desert forgets to grow out

of the night.

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Black lips and green cheeks, buried heads.

She forgets

how touching softness felt

between cacti and winds

her eyes bleed

skin peels and lips fall..

she lies still for a while

but here he comes

turning and twisting, spitting again

she covers her head with a hand

but the desert forgets its moons

and night grows

deeper

colder

eternal.

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Death

Goosebumps and shivers and dry lips, my wind – Goodbye.

Sheltered by mountains of ice, I die. I die. I die.

Oh dear old darkness!

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He whispers in the dead of night and I cling to a dead breath

but it’s gone

Stupid eyes can’t hold dying shadows anymore.

.

Sink your teeth in hot flesh heavy until his fire dies

and the night unwraps it deadly grasp of your dying eyes.

.

.

.

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She laid her burning breasts on your frozen shoulder.. Tears rose like snowdrops from your pores, as she plucked them with twisted fingers.. Your skin wrapped around her touch and wings grew from beneath the layers of ancient ice..

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Duct Tape

Acceptance is like duct tape. Go round around and layer it up, make sure there’s no space for any YOU to come out. Be WHO you have to, do WHAT you must and keep all else tightly sealed so that it doesn’t escape to fight this pathetic self you’ve walked around in for so long.

No, no! Don’t take it off! it’s comfortable, it looks pretty, and you can’t remember what’s underneath. If there’s anything left, if there ever was…

The ragged truth cannot be worn outside, surely! You can only wear it in the darkest corners, in the most desperate hours. You can only show it to loneliness and to despair, not to the world. Don’t show it to the world…

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I gave you all..

That night you were staring at me, remember? When I said I don’t care if you are somebody else’s, I am yours. You laughed and thought I was crazy. You always thought I was crazy, maybe that’s why you never stopped being so selfish, so blind.

You used to say I don’t deserve you, I don’t deserve all the love you’re giving me. I still don’t know what you meant but  I used to believe. And even though I gave it all to you, you kept looking for more even when there was nothing left but an empty shell. My everything was not enough, you wanted more and I was useless.

Now I laugh like a mad woman when I think about you. You had so little to give and you gave me nothing, yet never stopped asking for more.

I became dark and small and tired of my nothingness, when you grew strong and proud with all that I’d given you. And you kept asking, demanding, until I had nothing left but darkness.

And one day I pulled back pieces of myself and threw them into my empty shell. And left. And now I fight to arrange the random bits into a human form, and I struggle to make myself look like a living being again.

And yet I know you’ll come back and take it all apart once more, and I’ll stand and watch like I always do; smiling, laughing and enjoying the show by your side.

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