Ordinary

I hope that you are content, and thoughts of me don’t make you tremble in your sleep. That you don’t wake at midnight and sigh when she doesn’t sit up watching you like I did. I hope you don’t weep when you don’t drown in her eyes like you did in mine.

I hope she doesn’t trouble you with dreams and fantasies, that she’s grounded and rational like I was not.. that her love is peaceful and secure, not wild and fiery like mine was.

I hope that she doesn’t tighten her fingers around your throat when you fuck, that her lips don’t burn through your flesh when she calls your name.

You chose ordinary, my love. So I pray our love born in hell doesn’t make you ache to return.

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S. is for Stranger…

A post from the past, translated – January 2013

We talked everyday; conventionally. Frozen looks hiding insurmountable chemistry. I could never convince my body to get up from the chair and go home. The clock stopped when our eyes met; and if we were close, it never mattered what we said, if we said anything…

But then we met, like I’d never dared to dream; him and I, alone and unashamed. He smiled, the look in his eyes turning page after page of me, re-writing history. And I knew then I’d always carry his smile, curious and sweet, sealed in my heart.

I couldn’t breathe when I got home. I couldn’t breathe for days after; I would still feel his fingers on my back and my skin ached. My ears ringed, exhaustingly replaying the whispers.

My hands still shake when I type in my email, terrified of his silence. The clock doesn’t stop anymore and I wonder how long I have left until doom.

How I wish I could be yours. The way I was no one’s before…

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