The heat and the blazing fire; the sound of wood burning, of synced heartbeats and slow breaths. It’s late, or too early.. but they don’t know; their love keeps no track of time, no fear of limits or ends.
He begins to pray and her brush freezes on the canvas; she closes her eyes, his silent prayer alive in her ears. The whole world grows still for a while.. then their eyes meet again and smile at each other, a thousand words hidden in a warm gaze.
Now God is with them; on their burning skin and their heavy eyelids, on their lips and the ends of their fingers. They draw close, quietly drifting towards each other like lost stars until they melt together irrevocably, their eternety promised once more..
I can’t write because I can’t feel. My wildness crushes against the wall that he built and I choke on the words. I can’t write because I can’t see. His fears wrap around my eyes, a thick blidfold; and I wear his smile on my soul like a pair of glasses. I’d be blind if I let it go.
The air grows thick in my lungs when I hear the lock turn behind me. I swallow the sweet lump in my throat as a faint shiver slips down the back of my neck. His first step fills the room with blasting fireworks and I watch him with the corner of my eye, faking composure.
I can’t stop my head from turning to welcome his tender eyes to the place they’ve already carved in my soul. My heart settles into an unknown rhythm, perhaps his own. Perhaps God was playing a wicked game when he made us forbidden, and our hearts beat in sync..
Oh! If she could have it all again she could work harder, she could sleep less, or listen more;
Oh! If she could have it all again she would hold you! She would freeze time at the age when you still cried to be held, because the pain of hurting you is sharper than any blow she would happily take, if only to not see the sorrow in your eyes anymore..
That night you were staring at me, remember? When I said I don’t care if you are somebody else’s, I am yours. You laughed and thought I was crazy. You always thought I was crazy, maybe that’s why you never stopped being so selfish, so blind.
You used to say I don’t deserve you, I don’t deserve all the love you’re giving me. I still don’t know what you meant but I used to believe. And even though I gave it all to you, you kept looking for more even when there was nothing left but an empty shell. My everything was not enough, you wanted more and I was useless.
Now I laugh like a mad woman when I think about you. You had so little to give and you gave me nothing, yet never stopped asking for more.
I became dark and small and tired of my nothingness, when you grew strong and proud with all that I’d given you. And you kept asking, demanding, until I had nothing left but darkness.
And one day I pulled back pieces of myself and threw them into my empty shell. And left. And now I fight to arrange the random bits into a human form, and I struggle to make myself look like a living being again.
And yet I know you’ll come back and take it all apart once more, and I’ll stand and watch like I always do; smiling, laughing and enjoying the show by your side.
She smiled. Although it wasn’t quite her smile, but a shadow of a former emotion. The feeling wasn’t there anymore, only the pain of the emptiness in its place. He didn’t notice the difference. For him, a smile is a smile; and if you say you’re okay, then you’re okay: no further discussion required. The thought deepened her sadness.
‘I think we should go back home!’ He said firmly, and turned the key without waiting for her reply, so she didn’t bother to give one. ‘I’m really sorry if I hurt you..’ he repeated, placing his free hand on her thigh. If, she thought; If he hurt me she laughed to herself. There were so many words she wished she could say instead of sitting there mute, looking out the window. He can’t not see that I’m not okay, that this is not normal: him doing anything and me forgiving everything. ‘Should we get fish and chips?’ he asked, but didn’t seem to mind that she didn’t answer. ‘I’ll stop at the chippy near the park, they have the best haddock.’
They drove in silence the rest of the way, and stopped to get the food. She couldn’t get herself to eat any. Later, when she took her clothes off, she was more naked than ever before. He didn’t seem to notice any difference, and their encounter went on as it always did. After he finished, she locked herself in the bathroom and sat on the cold floor. The bright light made the bruise on her leg look worse, so she covered herself with a towel. She though she should cry, but there weren’t any tears, or any emotions. She stayed there until he started snoring loudly, then went outside to smoke. The cold wind made her naked body shiver, and she welcomed the pain of it. She sat on the wet grass, glad she could still feel something. She stayed until she couldn’t bare it anymore, then went inside and turned the shower on. A few minuted later he banged in the door. ‘What the fuck are you making all this noise for?’. She smiled.