Oh! If she could have it all again she could work harder, she could sleep less, or listen more;
Oh! If she could have it all again she would hold you! She would freeze time at the age when you still cried to be held, because the pain of hurting you is sharper than any blow she would happily take, if only to not see the sorrow in your eyes anymore..
That night you were staring at me, remember? When I said I don’t care if you are somebody else’s, I am yours. You laughed and thought I was crazy. You always thought I was crazy, maybe that’s why you never stopped being so selfish, so blind.
You used to say I don’t deserve you, I don’t deserve all the love you’re giving me. I still don’t know what you meant but I used to believe. And even though I gave it all to you, you kept looking for more even when there was nothing left but an empty shell. My everything was not enough, you wanted more and I was useless.
Now I laugh like a mad woman when I think about you. You had so little to give and you gave me nothing, yet never stopped asking for more.
I became dark and small and tired of my nothingness, when you grew strong and proud with all that I’d given you. And you kept asking, demanding, until I had nothing left but darkness.
And one day I pulled back pieces of myself and threw them into my empty shell. And left. And now I fight to arrange the random bits into a human form, and I struggle to make myself look like a living being again.
And yet I know you’ll come back and take it all apart once more, and I’ll stand and watch like I always do; smiling, laughing and enjoying the show by your side.
She smiled. Although it wasn’t quite her smile, but a shadow of a former emotion. The feeling wasn’t there anymore, only the pain of the emptiness in its place. He didn’t notice the difference. For him, a smile is a smile; and if you say you’re okay, then you’re okay: no further discussion required. The thought deepened her sadness.
‘I think we should go back home!’ He said firmly, and turned the key without waiting for her reply, so she didn’t bother to give one. ‘I’m really sorry if I hurt you..’ he repeated, placing his free hand on her thigh. If, she thought; If he hurt me she laughed to herself. There were so many words she wished she could say instead of sitting there mute, looking out the window. He can’t not see that I’m not okay, that this is not normal: him doing anything and me forgiving everything. ‘Should we get fish and chips?’ he asked, but didn’t seem to mind that she didn’t answer. ‘I’ll stop at the chippy near the park, they have the best haddock.’
They drove in silence the rest of the way, and stopped to get the food. She couldn’t get herself to eat any. Later, when she took her clothes off, she was more naked than ever before. He didn’t seem to notice any difference, and their encounter went on as it always did. After he finished, she locked herself in the bathroom and sat on the cold floor. The bright light made the bruise on her leg look worse, so she covered herself with a towel. She though she should cry, but there weren’t any tears, or any emotions. She stayed there until he started snoring loudly, then went outside to smoke. The cold wind made her naked body shiver, and she welcomed the pain of it. She sat on the wet grass, glad she could still feel something. She stayed until she couldn’t bare it anymore, then went inside and turned the shower on. A few minuted later he banged in the door. ‘What the fuck are you making all this noise for?’. She smiled.