She smiled. Although it wasn’t quite her smile, but a shadow of a former emotion. The feeling wasn’t there anymore, only the pain of the emptiness in its place. He didn’t notice the difference. For him, a smile is a smile; and if you say you’re okay, then you’re okay: no further discussion required. The thought deepened her sadness.
‘I think we should go back home!’ He said firmly, and turned the key without waiting for her reply, so she didn’t bother to give one. ‘I’m really sorry if I hurt you..’ he repeated, placing his free hand on her thigh. If, she thought; If he hurt me she laughed to herself. There were so many words she wished she could say instead of sitting there mute, looking out the window. He can’t not see that I’m not okay, that this is not normal: him doing anything and me forgiving everything.
‘Should we get fish and chips?’ he asked, but didn’t seem to mind that she didn’t answer. ‘I’ll stop at the chippy near the park, they have the best haddock.’
source Photo by Cristian Newman
They drove in silence the rest of the way, and stopped to get the food. She couldn’t get herself to eat any. Later, when she took her clothes off, she was more naked than ever before. He didn’t seem to notice any difference, and their encounter went on as it always did. After he finished, she locked herself in the bathroom and sat on the cold floor. The bright light made the bruise on her leg look worse, so she covered herself with a towel. She though she should cry, but there weren’t any tears, or any emotions.
She stayed there until he started snoring loudly, then went outside to smoke. The cold wind made her naked body shiver, and she welcomed the pain of it. She sat on the wet grass, glad she could still feel something. She stayed until she couldn’t bare it anymore, then went inside and turned the shower on. A few minuted later he banged in the door. ‘What the fuck are you making all this noise for?’. She smiled.