It’s disappointment that I craved. And when you left again, and again.. Oh, how I felt at home. Waiting for you to walk away and leave me naked once more was so familiar.. so comforting.
I wanted you leaving. I wanted you all leaving. I wanted the fuck on the doorstep; to hang on a piece of thread and float around forever. To beg and kneel and be ignored, or mocked and ridiculed. I wanted the despair; the shattering pain… Oh, how it felt like home.
I am broken. Enough that no god could stick the pieces back together, yet not enough that I’ll stop searching for you.. to break me that little bit more; to watch and laugh as bits of my flesh blow in the wind.
And you don’t stop laughing even when I’m all gone and walk around like an aimless ghost; barely an apparition.
You don’t stop laughing when my head is so bowed and my limbs so tight around me that I turn inside out and you stare at my shivering heart.
Oh, it’s all so funny to you.
I may walk like a woman, talk like one. I might look old. But no, I haven’t changed.